Am I grieving my CNBC losses correctly?

As a grief therapist, I have the privilege of witnessing daily how grief is a deeply personal journey—as unique as a fingerprint. For those who are childless not by choice (CNBC), grief can be especially complex. It often feels disenfranchised—rarely discussed or acknowledged—and it is a living loss that evolves over time. I recently heard someone describe our society as "grief-illiterate," and this felt right to me, particularly in the Western world. CNBC, with its lack of recognition and the ongoing nature of living losses, can leave us feeling totally lost. This often leads to self-criticism, as we may feel stuck or frustrated when grief resurfaces despite our best efforts (to either bury it or heal it), making it feel like a shadow limiting our ability to find new meaning or hope (our relationship with hope can feel very fragile).

So, is there another way, perspective, or structure? In my sessions, clients often long for structure, seeking confirmation that they’re grieving "correctly" and clarity on how long it will last. The challenge is that grief has no structure or timeline (sorry). When we assess "traditional" grief models, few feel helpful for the ambiguous, disenfranchised, non-death loss of being CNBC.

However, hold on—there is one model which, in my one-to-one sessions and in my Healing Horseshoe workshops, childless not by choice folks often find helpful. The Dual Process Model of Grief. I know the title does not sound so exciting, but don’t tune out just yet—this model is consistently well-received because it shifts perspectives when we feel like we’re grieving "wrong" or not making progress.

Here are some highlights:

• It confirms that grieving isn’t linear; we naturally move between confronting our loss and taking time to rest or look to the future.

• It shows that taking breaks from grief is not just normal but healthy (yes, even binge-watching Netflix with a huge bucket of popcorn!).

• It reassures us that when grief resurfaces, it’s not a step back. Instead, we approach the loss from a fresh perspective, fostering deeper understanding and healing over time.

So, what exactly is the Dual Process Model? At its core, it’s simple yet profound (though its diagram can look a bit complex!). The Dual Process Model of Coping with Bereavement (1999, 2005) by Stroebe and Schut highlights three key elements:

1. Loss Orientation

2. Restoration Orientation

3. Oscillation between the two

I’ve adapted their original model to make it more relatable to the unique experience of CNBC grief.

Loss Orientation

This involves actively engaging with the grief of being CNBC, processing the emotions tied to the loss of a hoped-for life, and honoring those dreams. Activities might include journaling, participating in rituals that acknowledge the loss, reflecting on "what could have been," or finding ways to express and validate the pain of this unique grief.

Some examples

• Seeing pregnancy announcements or family milestones on social media

• Thinking about the future I imagined but won’t have

• Hearing stories of child neglect and thinking, "I could have done so much better."

• Missing out on family traditions or celebrations

• Feeling unseen or excluded in conversations about parenthood

• Revisiting anniversaries of losses, triggering days like "Mothers Day" or milestones never reached

• Watching tender moments between a parent and child

• Hearing grandparent announcements 

• Losing loved ones

• Reflecting on aging as a childless person

Restoration Orientation

This focuses on adjusting to a life without children, finding moments to escape and take a break from grief, and reconnecting with the world in new ways that feel peaceful, fulfilling—or even joyful. Simple actions like showering, preparing meals, taking out the rubbish, or creating new routines can provide a break from grief and build momentum for restoration.

• Curling up with a favorite show, book, or podcast for comfort

• Losing myself in music, singing, or dancing

• Taking walks in nature to feel grounded and present

• Reconnecting with safe, supportive friends

• Enjoying the perks of childlessness, like spontaneous trips or quiet mornings

• Engaging in physical activities like yoga, swimming, or kayaking to release tension

• Exploring creative outlets like painting, crochet, or photography

• Creating space for new hobbies, studies, or passions

Oscillation

Grief isn’t linear, and this is where the oscillation comes in. We naturally move back and forth between confronting our loss and stepping away to rest or focus on restoration. This back-and-forth process is essential and healthy—it gives us permission to grieve deeply while also taking the breaks we need to recharge.

Childless individuals often describe this oscillation as a zigzag spiral—or even an emotional tornado during the early stages of grief. Over time, with healing and resources, we may spend more time in restoration. However, with a living loss like childlessness, grief can resurface at any time, even years later. (Moments like grandparent announcements or aging can be profound triggers.) This is not a setback; rather, it’s a chance to revisit our loss from a new perspective, fostering deeper understanding, healing, and growth.

Your Turn to Reflect

Grab a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle to create two sections. Label the left side Loss Orientation and the right side Restoration Orientation—or choose whatever titles resonate with you.

On the left side, reflect on what connects you to your CNBC grief. What triggers those emotions? How do you intentionally make space for your losses?

On the right side, think about how you disconnect from grief and reconnect with life. What activities or passions help you feel grounded or restored? Are there opportunities or ideas that inspire you?

The Gentle Reminder: Self-Compassion

No matter where you are in your journey, remember there is no timeline for grief. It’s okay to take breaks, to seek peace, and to explore new possibilities. Embrace the oscillation—the back-and-forth between feeling and healing—as part of your unique path.

Embracing Your Journey

Grief, especially CNBC grief, is complex and deeply personal. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach, no definitive timeline, and no “right” way to navigate it. The Dual Process Model reminds us that it’s not only okay but essential to oscillate between engaging with our grief and taking the time to rest and reconnect with life.

So, as you reflect on your own journey, be kind to yourself. Recognize the moments when grief feels heavy, and find a way that feels right for you to honor those feelings. When you hear yourself saying, “Not this again, will I ever get over this?” remember that childless losses are deeply layered. While a loss may feel familiar, by taking breaks you can gain new perspectives. Be kind to yourself, please.

Equally, give yourself permission to seek out joy—and if joy feels too big, follow the breadcrumbs of peace. Whether it’s binge-watching your favorite show, losing yourself in a creative project, or stepping into nature, these moments of restoration are not only needed distractions—they’re part of the healing. Above all, remember that healing isn’t about “moving on,” but about integrating your loss into a life you never imagined, yet a life that in time can still hold meaning and possibility.